Humility is the best defense from being humiliated.
Humility is more important than companionship. It's shows devotion to God.
I'm 69 so have had some experiences that this young woman has not had. But
I have learned two profound things: first, if you are staying in a relationship
because you think you can change him, that won't work. Second, if he will
lie about trivial things, he will certainly lie about big things. He might make
a good friend, however I don't think I have friends that lie to me. This
would be a good time to cut your losses.
If he can lie so easily about his age, what else is he lying about? I think
that, although breaking up is hard, living with a liar will bring about more
pain over a longer period.Make sure you truly know this man before
you commit to any marriage commitments. It is easier to get out of a celibate
relationship than it is to get out of a marriage, especially one where children
are born within the marriage. The pain you would feel then would be huge for
you, but worse for these children.
Liars lie! Expect more dishonesty if you stay with him. Ugh! If a person
can't be honest, what use is he? Ugh! If women would put up with less
nonsense from men, men would behave better - all women across the board, across
the world, have some standards!!! Women seem to put up with anything because
they are so desperate to "nest"... and then men do what they know they
can get away with - and then we complain? nope! Women with low standards have
taught men they can still get what they want even if they are appallingly
Angela nailed this advice. Especially because he is actually 47.
Sensitivity about age is one thing. Lying like this is another. There is the
additional issue that he appears to be lying in order to date much younger. Not
that age alone is necessarily the issue. But lying in order to date younger I
think puts a negative spin on all of this.
"My man" He keeps lying about his age? Surely this is a
misprint. Wasn't it "My man keep lyin' 'bout his
age"? To be serious about it: people who think of their partners
as property to be possessed can't be expected to master grown-up English,
and to edit what they say into normality is to disguise the seriousness of their
There are way to many great guys out there to waste your time with questionable
ones. Some are your age, some are older, none of them lie.
He's sensitive because he's older and not married. (And believe me,
there's a lot of social pressure in the Church for men to get married
earlier.) Has he been married before and hiding that, too? He should have
said he was "older" and then you should have not pressed him about it
until it mattered, if it does matter, but allowed him to respond truthfully.
There's a big difference between 28 and 42. You could ask him which high
school he attended and then check on what year he graduated, but that
shouldn't really be necessary, should it?. Not telling the truth is
problematic, as years ago I told my young son I caught in a lie, because after
that you are caught no one will trust you again. He stopped it immediately.
This guy, however, hasn't been caught enough. Maybe your giving him the
heave-ho will help him decide a life of honesty is preferred. It's
possible that this is a major reason he's single at this point in his life.
I agree with Oh Really? on their point.
If you entertain ANY thought of continuing this relationship (which you
shouldn't) then PLEASE pay the $35 or so to at least do an online
background check on him. That might be overkill in most situations, but
certainly not in a case where someone has already lied to you more than once.
But I agree with Angela and so many others. Cut your losses now, and find
someone you can trust.
I have a relative who might match the description of this girl's beau.
Except the story is a little different. When they started dating, she said that
there was an age difference and that it did not bother her. My brother looks
quite young so he asked her how old she thought he was. She ASSUMED he was
about 27. She was in her mid 30's. She thought SHE was older than HE was
and that did not bother her. When he told her she had it wrong and that HE was
actually older than SHE was, now it was a problem for her. She didn't mind
being 9 years older than he was, but she didn't like being 6 years younger
than him. He never lied. She assumed.
People who lie tend to lie. But some people have a single blind spot. Age. It
can be a real touchy issue. He may have only this one real problem (OK, he has
others, but don't we all-even dotgone).Totality of the
relationship. Lies don't stay covered. Give him some line, he will either
lie about other things or you will find he is weird about age and that's
it. If you like him, give him a shot. If you are already seeing other areas he
is not entirely truthful, cut him loose.About dotgone. As with many
things in moderrn society, a guy doggin' on a woman is "wrong".
Well, women are "right" and always the ones who need to be protected.
"Men" are all "bad", if all "good" women banded together
and held "men" to their high standard then "good" women"
would be protected from "bad" men. It is a 25%/75% relationship.
Sometimes it is the eoman's part to give 25% to give and sometimes it is
the 75%. The same as for men. It is never an equal relationship. Someone has
to sacrifice, sometimes its the guy and sometimes its the girl.
Someone who is supposedly in an important relationship with you lies (no only
once, but multiple times) about something as trivial as their age...this gives
me pause to wonder what else they might be lying about.Let go of
your ego and take along, hard look at this person and how you want your
relationship to work. Only you can decide if you're comfortable with deceit
now and most likely in the future.
How hard would it be to look at this guy's driver's license or
otherwise discover how old he is. Fudging a year or two might be tough to
trace, but a gap this large would be tenuous to maintain. It's dumb thing
for him to do, especially over an extended (dating) period of time). So yeah,
if lies about something like this -- RUN!
We like to see what we want to see, so our own eyes lie to us. Drop the liar, of
course. Compare driver license pictures and check the age of the next guy, and
address. When you meet someone in a social circle their long time friends will
be a help on checking out the person. Beware of anyone without long time, or
Lying about "random" things is a sign that there are much bigger lies as
well. Some people are so accustomed to lying that they do it about things that
don't even make sense to be lying about.
Run far, run fast, and don't look back!!!!!! This is probably not the
first lie he has told you, and definitely won't be the last. There will
ALWAYS be some really good reason why he just "had" to lie. Get away
It is not only men that do this.. Women do to. Lucky for me I was involved in
the beginning stages of a relationship where we were texting alot. In her on
line profile she stated she was 32. Later in a conversation.. she said she was
36. She even told me her birthday was on Sept 17th. Later.. when I questioned
her age.. she said she was 34 and told me her birthday was Jan 1. Now.. had I
not had all her texts recorded so I could actually go back and see what she
said.. I would have probably not noticed.I dropped her that same
day. I will not lie about my age.. or anything. If I am asked.. I
will answer truthfully. If I can do it.. then I can expect the same from the
person I am wanting to spend the rest of my life with.
I think if he would lie about his age, he will lie about other things too. I
agree with Angela, opt for friendship instead. As Dr. Phil always says,
"the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior"
Honesty is the best policy. If he's not being truthful with you now,
chances are it will get worse as time goes by. Be honest with yourself and
don't settle for someone who makes you feel uncomfortable.
We're talking about this on the Facebook page, but, let's say you do
lie about something dumb - what's a "relationship saving" way to
come clean? Any ideas? What advice would you give the man in her life?
Wow, a lot of negative advice. As someone who lost his wife and has tried to
get back into dating I can tell you that people are very shallow about age. I
see people say things like I want a man between 31 and 38, or 24 to 32, etc.
The society we live in has changed dating and romance to a match of statistics.
Age, height, weight, hair and eye color, etc. It is more like shopping at a
grocery store. I have not lied about my age but I can certainly see why someone
would. They would hope that once you get to know them, that them being outside
some random narrow age range would not matter to you. So I guess I am saying
that just because someone felt pressured to lie about their age does NOT mean
they lie about other things. Maybe they can be trust in all other ways. My
grandfather was just over 20 years old than my grandmother and they lived very
happily for the rest of their lives.
Unfortunately you can never completely know another person, their motivation or
what goes on in their head. I thought my husband was nothing but honest but
found out years later that their were lots of lies. He even told my daughter to
lie to me once.(She promptly told me)He is a good man and we are
still together and have worked through a lot of things.My point is
that men are like little kids. They lie because the don't want to get into
trouble. No matter how great a guy is, you have no way of knowing if he is
completely honest. Like it or not that is a fact. I would do as
Angela suggests and explain how important honesty is to you and continue that
dialog. If you feel he is worth the effort, invest time in continuing this
dialog and learn to "read" him. We are all a work in progress.
I have an adopted teen with a personality disorder, coupled with a compulsive
lying issue. After 10 years of therapy there is no one they will not lie to, and
nothing they won't lie about. Anyone who lies at the start of a
relationship has a problem. My teen lies incrementally as your guy did. He has
a problem, a very real one, and I wholeheartedly advise you to not let him
become or continue to be your problem. He must learn to be truthful and
responsible for his actions, and you should not attempt to fix him yourself.
Even therapists tend to get upset when dealing with patients with this problem.
if the relationship was heading to the altar, be glad you found out before
shelling out the $$ or a license - how long did he plan to wait before telling
truth ? liars know they will be caught. he gambledwhoever called
you on the "my man" phrase, hoorah ! you could have say "my
insecure boy" and i wouldn't have reacted to "my man"your language has to mature too
Men that old who want to date someone that much younger have issues. None of
those issues are good ones. Cut and run.An elderly family member has
always lied about her age, which is so ridiculous. Now in her mid-80's, she
still thinks people "assume" she's in her sixties, when anyone with
a brain can count those wrinkles and age spots and know instantly. Surgery,
Botox and Lady Clairol can't cover everything. (She gets furious at her
daughter, who proudly admits she's sixty, because her friends may figure
out she probably didn't give birth at age four.) I understand
those who talk about "pressures to marry" but this writer never said the
guy had always been single. For all we know, he could be divorced several times,
or a serial "marry-murder-inherit" guy. I'm with cutting your
losses and running, but should you be stupid enough to stay, get a good private
detective and a full background check on that liar before proceeding further.
Lying is never a good thing.
She should break up with the guy. Why is a 42-year-old looking to date someone
who is 26? If I were the woman, I'd tell him goodbye. He's obviously
very immature for his age.
alanjones520 -- really? Yes, there certainly are relationships between people
even decades apart in age (which works better as you get older, but 1)these
should be based on honesty not a lie (which was the point of the letter to
Angela) and 2)ought to be approached as a rare occurrence... In other words a
man getting back into the dating pool (after divorce or death of a spouse)
shouldn't be trolling for women so much younger than him that he'd
feel compelled to hide his age... and 3) if a relationship hinges upon such a
ruse, how shallow and meaningless is this relationship in the long term?Still comes back to honesty, how silly this small lie is, the strong
sign that other things would be lied about, and points to insecurity which
isn't a great thing either.
Run. And don't look back.The corollary for middle aged men
seems to singles who can't simply state how many times they've been
married. I met a lady who said 2, then when I met her 1600 miles away, 2
turned into 4 (she married the same man twice, twice) and between those one
marriage she doesn't count because it only lasted several months. Several
times 2 has been 4, once 1 was 3. Done. Didn't even respond to the
multiple emails chiding me for being short sighted and not continuing the
relationship ! If someone can't tell you just the facts, run.
Don't walk.Good luck.
This seems pretty straightforward to me: it's very likely he lied about his
age initially because he didn't think you would be interested with such a
large age difference. Most young women wouldn't and you are an exception.
Perhaps he thought that 36 would be more acceptable than 42 and then, as you
seemed to really like you, he did level with you. It doesn't
sound like "random lying" at all. He misled you about one thing only
apparently, intending to level with you gradually. Don't women do this at
times? Not justifying it but, if he lied about nothing else, don't dump
him too readily. In single wards many women will just plain not tell you their
age as they know most men want children and some of the women are past the
normal child-bearing years.I've noticed quite a lot of lying
about age in genealogical research. Check it out very carefully by all means
but advice to "run and never look back" seems a bit hysterical without
further additional reasons. That's a large age gap and he probably
thought it was more than you contemplated.
I find this man's repeated lying about his age troubling. That said, there
are two sides to every story and I think you ought to due your reasonable due
diligence to get to the truth. It is your prerogative to cut your
losses and never talk to him again. It is also an option to sit
down and have a chat with him and others he knows and do some research on this
and get advice from trusted sources (parents, God, etc.) to see why he has been
doing this. I have been acquainted with some men who have legitimate reasons
for compulsive lying (physical/mental/emotional issues, addictions, insecurity,
etc.). We just don't have the entire story, so I do not know
why this man lied. But if you care for him and want to continue on, you must
care for him, yourself, and this relationship enough to get straight to the
unvarnished truth. I would not personally recommend staying with
someone that much older than I was for a myriad of reasons, but the decision is
It is dangerous I don't subscribe to it. Every man should desist from it
because it affect the inner being. Be straight to your spouse or your would be
spouse or any body. Who will be yours will be. With this stressful effort FATHER
help the individual
Run and don't look back is certainly an overreaction. A flaw first
discovered is exactly that... a flaw. You should continue looking at other
situations too. Is this an issue with insecurity about his age? You saying
"it doesn't bother me" doesn't mean it doesn't bother
him. He shouldn't lie about it, but is this the only thing and something
that you can talk through and help him see as something to change? And people
can, if they chose too, change to say otherwise invalidates repentance. Anyway, once people are married, they always have other things to talk
through too that are just as tough or tougher than this. Angie's right.
Talk about it with him. But keep your eyes open. You will have to
ask is it just this one issue or is this a trend? Remember also,
you've got flaws too milady, not just "your man". I would say the
same to most posters here. Let's remember that when we judge other's
we are always in danger (and usually guilty of) looking at the mote in our
brother's eye but ignoring the beam in our own.
No relationship can make it with someone who lies. Cut your losses and run
right now. There is no future in this relationship. Besides, he's too old
for you. He needs to grow up and date women his own age.
When I was a teen I looked older. When I was 17 a guy asked me out while I was
at work. I assumed he was 25. He assumed on was at least 19. No big deal. But
after the 4th date we discussed our ages. Big deal! He was 35 and I admitted I
was 17. We became very good friends and stopped dating. Lying in an adult
relationship is wrong. Age should not matter as long as everyone is legal. Now
I get carded when I want to use the senior discounts because I don't look
old enough. The man must be very insecure if he has to lie.
IMO Run, do not walk, to the nearest emotional exit. This is an accident
waiting to happen.It is impossible to tell just one lie. Why he is
lying is not important, the issue is that he is and most likely will continue to
lie. To you. When he wants to. When he feels he can get away with lying.I suggest that you stay within your broad age group for dating. To him
and his circle of friends, you are "arm candy". If he's
your "man", how many other women have felt the same way? Without more
data I suggest he is unable to commit, and in the long run he will emotionally
drain you and leave for another woman. Possibly, for him, the thrill is in the
"hunt" and a new relationship. Just how many women has he dated and
left?Talk to your mom, she's probably seen or heard of his kind
before and can give some good advice.
I was married to a man for thirty years who, constantly, lied to me. I left
several times but always returned, believing his promises (& because of the
children involved). When the lies got big enough to include a missing $29K, I
knew I had to make good on my threats to him that if I caught him once more, I
was "outta here". My present husband, I believed to be the most honest
person, anywhere! First lie was his age (later I learned that he had, once
again, lied to others about his age). Then it was other "small lies",
finally lies about two different women he was writing love letters to and
calling. I have told him the one thing I won't tolerate is dishonesty,
that it's imperative I can trust him. But then I discovered another (major
to me) lie last week. I agree with the majority here who say that if honesty
and trust are important to you in a relationship, you're not going to get
it from this guy!That said, best of luck to you! I realize it
won't be easy breaking it off.
This man is showing signs of an insecurity that probably needs some professional
help. The lying is a symptom of a much deeper concern. He is insecure about his
own "lovability" with women his own age perhaps, and so when he finds
someone 20 years younger he is willing to lie for his own selfish benefit. To
intentionally deceive someone, deprives them of the all the facts to base a
decision on.She has a blinders on to see that a relationship with a
20 age difference has little chance of being happy and working. When she is 46
YO, the very prime of her life, he will be 66 and worrying about Medicare and
SS and other aging issues. They would be in two totally different places in
their lives. He will be in his 60's when any children they have graduate
from high school. This situation would completely unfair to any kids they may
have on many levels.She needs to dump him fast, get her own life and
priorities in order, and get on with life. For her to even consider a
relationship with a lying person signifies she may have problems that need to be
dealt with as well.
So sorry, you have met a liar. He will continue to lie about things that may be
big or small. He will not change his colors. Also he knows he is too old for
you. It does not matter that he is "aging well" every one should agree
that we all understand what he sees in you, "the sweet young thing" but
he really is the "dirty old man" who cannot keep a relationship alive
with a woman in his generation. I see nothing but warning signs. Ultimately you
will not share enough history to be on the same page when you are his age now.
Everybody lies. The average person lies 7 times a day. Whether it is telling
somebody they look good when they really don't, or lying about something
big, everybody does it to some extent. But if this guy is telling you blatant,
flat-out, bald faced lies about his age... then yeah time to move on.
You know Edward from those vampire movies was around 175 years old and he seems
to be a lady magnet. Maybe your dude is just a vampire but not as old as
Edward, so embrace the whole I am 42 years old thing for what it is, he is a
I find it strange that a people think they can lie about their age. So when
this dude goes to his 25 year school reunion next year, is he going to tell her
is graduated at age 5? Age is something you can't change. There are
plenty of women (and she may be one of them) that does not care how old a man is
as long as she is attracted to him. Age is playing less and less of a role in
dating in today's society. It's not uncommon to see 20 years
difference between a couple. Women want maturity and security in a man. Most
women date older men to get this type of guy.