I have a code of conduct1. Watch what you say. 2. don't take
what some one said to you to hart or personally.3. Never assume any
thing.4. Always do your best. That's the basic ones You
can add Do no harm , Leave it better than you found it . Honor your parents.
Their is a lot of rules but the thing is you have to have your own boundary,
limits and standard.
I can understand where the guy is coming from. It's much like dating women
in your workplace or in your apartment building. The danger is that an
unpleasant breakup leaves both of them still having to encounter the other on a
daily basis. Still, we have to take some risks to find the right person and
can't always play it safe. It would be unfortunate to miss the perfect
soulmate just because she lives near you.
Great answer, as usual. I would just add one other reason for which this sister
should not feel bad. The comment "...in case things get messy", says a
lot about this brother's dating perspective. Do you really want to date
someone who has the escape hatch open all the way to the alter?
Talk about a "Utah Mormon" problem!
Young men can be so clueless. I dated a lot of girls in the ward growing up and
don't regret a one of them. 45 years later I'm still good friends
with many of them.I don't understand the "all or nothing"
mentality of both the girls and guys. Mix it up. Enjoy one another.
There's a lot to be learned from someone other that your BFF.
@BlakeRYou SHOULD have an escape hatch open all the way to the
altar. That's the purpose of dating and engagement. That's why we
don't get married the first time we meet. It's because we need time
to figure out if we're compatible. Gordon B. Hinckley said "be married
with your eyes half shut, but date with your eyes wide open." Just because
two people are dating doesn't mean they're obligated to get married -
using the "escape hatch" is normal, necessary, and expected.
My seminary class which included all four grades only had 8 kids, half girls.
They were more like sisters. Everybody I knew dated non members but they did
live within our ward boundaries (10 miles by 20 miles). (Stake was 7 hours
across). We did love seeing Mormon girls at youth conference when three states
got together. ( states is not a typo)
It is a great move by this girl to ask this boy on a date. An understanding of
mutual prerogative in finding a spouse is refreshing. Some men have
"policies" against dating ladies in their ward. It is perhaps not the
best approach, but I do not think that most men use this as a personal stab at a
girl. Hence this lady just needs to try again with someone else and look for
someone better suited to her paradigm.
In real life, most guys with such exclusionary dating policies would make an
exception in the blink of an eye if a girl that particularly catches their fancy
were to ask them out. Many guys will use excuses like this to avoid saying
they're simply not interested.Guys and gals have to meet
somewhere. How many young adults really want to rope off one of the biggest
sections of their potential dating pool where they mix with others that hold
similar beliefs?Still, since it is extremely difficult to see into
the heart and mind of another, it is best to accept the young man's
declaration at face value and move on.
The only girl who ever asked me out was one that I just was not attracted to in
any way. I declined her invitation respectfully and avoided making excuses.Since the tradition is for the boy to ask the girl out it is usually the
boy who risks rejection and I well recall that rejection as embarrassing and
sometimes almost devastating. You feel you might become the subject of gossip
too as some people can't seem to mind their own business. I can see why
someone might look beyond their ward though not to avoid a "messy"
breakup.When a girl decides to be the date maker I think that she
usually does it subtly and with careful thought. Not a bad idea as you can
avoid hurt, overt rejection, and embarrassment on both sides, by approaching
date making indirectly or by doing some "market research" first.
Conversations in the hallway or the classroom can often give you plenty of
information as to whether an individual likes you and how well you are likely to
get along for instance.Hmm, I wish I had been as thoughtful as that
when I was younger.
I guess the excuses guys use are just as a lame as the excuses girls use.
This is what happens to aggressive women, and some men, who take too seriously
the advice to get married, so that it becomes more of a hunt than an opportunity
to meet someone and actively court to see if marriage is right, I have met too
many people, especially LDS women, who seem to have a "revelation" over
nearly every eligible man he meet. The commandment was never to have caused
people to be desperate, and I think the high leadership would say this. It is
just so many of our peers and untrained local leaders who apply a little too
much pressure. If he ooncerned woman in the article just backs off a bit, maybe
good things will happen, certainly better than those that come about through
unnecessary pressure. If local leaders tell you otherwise, they are dead wrong.
That's one of the problems with dating today. We have made a date too
serious. Going out on dates is just how you get to know a person. When my mom
dated, she went on 4 or 5 dates a week, mainly with just friends. Some of them
turned into more serious relationships. But now we won't ask someone out
unless we think they could be "the one". Just go out, have a good time
and be adults. We give up too easily.....if we don't "feel it"
early on we give up.There was a girl I took out a couple times, went
ok...didn't really feel the spark. A month later we met at a party and I
thought maybe I should try once more. 16 months later we were married.
Don't give up too soon!
Found my wife in my ward. So I'm fully against this point.
If he's not dating inside the Singles Ward, then he's cementing his
feet for the long haul. Move on. Singles Wards are supposed to be messy.
Messy ? If you conduct yourself with integrity, it's highly unlikely to
i lived in a little city... in my ward there are not girls...i need travel
for 70 km for dates.for many years, my dream was to date a girl from my
I've never been a fan of needing a reason to say no to a date. Reasons seem
to offer a solvable problem, which sometimes just isn't the case. (You
don't date in the ward boundaries, so let me move!) Let a no be a no, and a
yes be a yes.But don't we all have reasons to date or not date
someone? At times, the reasons are superficial and naive; as experience and
wisdom come into play we begin to judge our dates with a more eternal set of
Beart, how did you get from a woman asking a man out on a date to a woman who is
aggressive and misunderstands church leaders' advice about marriage?
Maybe you should think outside the box. The one with the pointy stick on it.
There's a whole world of adventure out there just outside the expectations
everyone has of you, and this is a good time to exercise that option.
I once dated a girl from my ward and it was one of the worst decisions I ever
made. It was awkward seeing this girl all the time, especially when one or the
other of us brought dates along. I forever wished I had never dated a girl in my
home ward. In fact, I still wish I had never done it. There is nothing but
painful memories there. I totally respect the guy's decision to date girls
from outside the ward.
There are no good opportunities to meet guys?School and church
dancesInternet dating sitesFind a worthy cause and
volunteerThree ideas, lots of opportunities.
I married someone from my ward as did my sister and daughter. We would have all
missed out if we had a no ward dating policy.
I met my husband within the BYU 4th ward - a ward which had some 50+ marriages
each calandar year, about half the couples being within the ward (and not
counted twice). And yeah, occasionally We used to joke that it was the highest
marrying ward at BYU and consequently the whole church! Don't know if
that's really true, but wards are at least great places to get to know
people whether or not it turns into something more. There are other great places
I found my wife at my workplace, my sister found her husband at the bay, my
younger brother found his wife at a single's ward. Whatever works...
I can see why people don't want to date others in the ward. It is called,
gossip, gossip, gossip.... I refuse to date anybody from work. One day I got off
work and there was a note on my truck window that said, "Hey handsome, are
you dating anyone." I ignored it. I guess it is good they didn't
sign the note. lol.
I think nothing's wrong with dating someone in your ward (particularly and
especially a Young Single Adult Ward!). First, it's practical – you
live close to each other. Second, you get to know them well because you go to
different ward events and activities together – you get to see them from
many angles "in context" of their lives, and you make sure the most
important parts of their lives – their priorities – are aligned with
yours.In a place where there are many YSA wards (in my case, Provo,
UT), dating someone seriously in another ward can easily keep you from being
able to participate fully in your own ward. To those who are dating people in
another ward, I would offer the suggestion to not miss out on your own ward or
allow your significant other to miss out on theirs. Participate fully where you
are and you will make many friends and be given many opportunities to serve
others and grow in faith. If you are able to participate in your own ward and in
the other ward, then all the better – but don't uproot yourself from
your own ward.
I think the most telling thing in this question is not that the man said no,
It's that SHE had to ask HIM! One of the biggest problems in the singles
wards are that many women don't get asked out on dates and so feel that
they need to be asking the men in order to date at all. I know the brethren
have commented on this again and again. The men need to get out of their
recliners and start dating! And, yes, dating the women in their wards!
For whatever reason I took the question as coming from a teenager pre-missionary
age rather than a post-missionary, singles ward. Concerning the former, I weigh
strongly against one-on-one serious dating within a ward; and group dating (or
church/school activities) is natural, fun, no pressure and best. Within a
singles ward however, this would be an exclusionary move thwarting the gods who
move chess pieces into place.
Accepting a date isn't a commitment to marriage nor is it a commitment to
go on another date. The young man could have gone on the date and shown this
girl a fun time. When I was young I dated many "friends" in my singles
ward and we remained friends. Dating is about getting to know others. I think
the young man was rude and selfish. She's better off without this guy in
Thanks for a good answer, Angela. Also, thanks to Dennis and Ry Guy.Dating has REALLY changed since my days in college where we all dated the guys
in our ward, got to know many,and then most paired up and got married. Mix it
up, is great advice....and we have made dating way to serious! Come on, I tell
my 17 year old son. It's just a date, not a relationship or marriage! But I
guess times have changed. I am longing for the days of dating lots of people so
you can know what is a good fit for you, and who you would like to marry
When in the Single's Ward many years ago, I asked out a young lady I found
interesting. She responded with a resounding "No", saying "There is
a church policy that a person can't date her home teacher."I was still laughing a week later. There is no such church policy, of course.
She just didn't want to go out with me -- and that is fine, that decision
spared me a great deal of anguish later on. The young lady in this
article may one day learn that each 'No' quite often brings happiness
later on. Its never worth forcing. What we often deal with is a blow to our
ego as such responses suggest that there is something wrong with us. This is
seldom the case, though we should always endeavor to be more than we currently
are and not worry about all the negative responses we get and hold out of the
'Yes' that is worth the wait.
Well, dear, never mind what his motive. That was a snobbish thing to say at
best. The best thing to do is laugh it off and move on. Personally, I met my
husband at college and we made sure we had as many classes together as possible.
We truly enjoyed each other's company. Don't even pay attention to
that snob. Find someone who appreciates you and wants to be near you because he
I dated some guys in my last ward in utah and they were nothing but bonafide
jerks. I had given up on marriage and so i came home for a visit with my family
in nebraska and met my future husband while visiting back here.
Really, Beart. I, personally, have never asked a guy out. Not my style.
But I think your attitude is extremely sexist. There are plenty of
"non-aggressive" ways that a woman could casually invite a man out. I agree that he'd probably break his policy for somebody who was
more of a dream girl. He's just not that into her.
A girl from my singles ward asked me out. It turned real messy. At one point I
even had to take out a restraining order. Was it because we were in the same
ward or that she asked me out(reflecting on her aggressive personality)? I have
a feeling he would be willing to date within his ward, but was leery about
dating a girl that would ask a guy out and was giving excuses. Take excuses for
what they are, someone cares enough to try and not hurt your feelings.
The fact that people can be this picky in Utah astounds me. I guess if someone
doesn't want to date someone in their ward they don't have to, due to
the proximity and seeing people regularly issues. But there ought to be a
realization that at some point if you're interested you will have to do
things that involve a degree of calculated risk to succeed. There
are no easy answers to this because people and situations all are different.
You have to take the situation you have and do the best you can. It always
helps if you have experience dating others, or if you can draw on the
experiences and wisdom of others, particularly though who are newly married or
close to your age. Drawing on parent's, bishop's, and
others wisdom is also helpful on occasion. Keep it to people who are relevant,
trustworthy, sensitive, and close to you. Keep in mind, though, that their
advice is going to be based on what they have seen and experienced in their
lives too. You are going to get different perspectives. Ultimately, the decision and the consequences are yours to live with.
To be as nice as possible this guy was just using this answer as a nice way to
say no thanks. If a man really finds a girl attractive he will overlook any
“rules” he may have. That being said, don’t take it
personally. Just because one person isn’t attracted to you doesn’t
mean you are not attractive to someone else. People have different likes and
Reading stories like this, it's really hard not to be flooded with really
negative memories. I spent a total of five years in the same university ward.
The last two (following a painful breakup with a non-mormon) were spent staying
home Friday and Saturday night and then attending church on Sunday for a lecture
on dating. Granted, those lectures were probably intended for the men. But
still... It would have been nice to be asked out now and then. I was asked out
by a total of two guys and I wasn't interested in either of them, but at
least I gave it a chance. My LDS parents are currently in some sort of
leadership position in a student ward and from what I hear, things haven't
gotten much better for any girl who isn't trophy wife material. It ended
for the best because "non" and I eventually wed. I wouldn't change
things. In case anybody is wondering, I wasn't carrying around more than a
few extra vanity lbs and there was nothing I can think of that made me
When I was at BYU I had people tell me never to date girls from my ward. I
thought they were nuts. If there was a cute girl that lived in my ward that I
was interested in, I asked her out. Student wards were mobile enough that it
was never an issue.I have also lived in Pennsylvania. If you
didn't date girls from your ward you had a minimum 50 to 75 mile drive to
date an LDS girl.
I can see both sides of this one. Growing up, I didn't date girls in my
ward. Not because they weren't nice or that I found them unattractive, but
because I had know most of them my whole life, seeing them every day at school
and every Sunday at church, I'd become to see them as almost like family.
But, I also felt that there were plenty of opportunities to meet people outside
of my ward.Being older now (and having had to re-enter the dating
scene,) I've learned that dating can be (and should be) more about having
fun than some people let it. As others have said, "dating" is about
getting to know someone. "Courting" is when things go to the next level
and you start considering whether that person is someone you'd like marry.
It's a concept that's been lost in contemporary culture. To the young woman who asked the question: he said "no" (for whatever
reason.) The world's still turning, so it's time to move on.
"Wardies." Kind of applicable during high school, not so much after
that. Grow up.
I suppose a guy or girl might have this policy, but it's kind of an
illogical policy, though. The reason singles wards exist is to give singles an
opportunity to meet without the confusion that comes from trying to find them in
your area/stake home wards. You might as well stay in your home ward
and date folks from singles wards, if that were your true motivation. While I
can see how a close dating relationship between two singles might cause you to
get a reputation, the turnover in singles wards is usually such that it
shouldn't be a serious concern. IMO, Just stay in your home
ward you have no intention of dating those in your singles ward.
If you date ONE girl in the ward, it is like you are dating ALL the girls in the
I never dated any girls in my ward in high school, but after my mission and away
at school, I was assigned to home teach 8 girls. I dated one on the first
Sunday night I met them (they invited me to dinner). After dating her 30 days
straight, we got engaged and two months later were married in the temple. We
have had 37 years together and enjoy a wonderful life with our children and
grandchildren. I was too shy to ask girls in the ward out in high school, but
we had lots of parties and activities together and I enjoyed all my great
friends. After my mission, my agenda changed, and I don't regret dating a
girl in my ward at all - not one bit.
"I will not date girls in my ward" Translation: I use this
excuse to more easily avoid girls in my ward who I am not attracted to.
When I got into the singles ward world I was blown away by the attention from
all the girls. My friendliness was too oftern interpreted as interest and I got
asked out so much I couldn't handle it any more. I was too much of a wuss
to just tell girls I wasn't interested in them and often made policies,
including one exactly like this. It's hard to get asked out all the time
when you have other priorities and other people you want to spend time with. In
the end, I married a girl from my singles ward. It's hard for nice guys to
say no. Cut this young guy some slack and move on.
Being in the same community with an ex bf/gf is part of growing up. The absence
of face-to-face contention isn't peace. We Mormons don't know how to
resolve differences charitably. Instead, the women gossip and the men feign
smiles. Taking the easy way out in all kinds of relationships is selfish, lazy,
and cowardly.And this is far more than a "Utah Mormon"
problem. I've lived in many locales across the U.S. and I've seen it
everywhere I've been while raising my own kids.
Young men are so gutless today. My friends and I had an unspoken contest going,
where we dated as many young women in our ward as possible. We often extended it
to other wards in the area. We considered it our responsibility to date the
girls who didn't have as many dating opportunities as the more popular
girls. They were usually a lot more fun. We also made it a policy to double date
as much as possible. There was one 'messy' break-up when I had dated
one girl frequently. She and her best friend would ask if we could double, so I
was with both girls a lot. I quit that scene when I realized that I liked her
best friend a lot more. I eventually married the best friend, but I had to
overcome the stigma of being the jerk who 'dumped' my future
wife's best friend. Get some courage, guys!
@dtday2003"The men need to get out of their recliners and start
dating! And, yes, dating the women in their wards!"Easier said
than done. When I was an LDS member I had way higher success rates getting
non-members to actually accept a date (4 of around 10) than members (a whole 0
out of about a dozen there).@Brother Benjamin Franklin"The
fact that people can be this picky in Utah astounds me."Guys
can. The LDS singles age 20-40 (or something like that) in Utah is around a 3:2
ratio women:men, the most extreme gender imbalance the church has had.
Wow! What a luxury to be able to be able have that kind of response to a dating
request. Only in Utah, I suppose. Not here in the "mission field".
I'm glad I didn't limit myself like that, or I wouldn't have
gotten to know, date, court and wed my now eternal companion. She happened to be
in the same ward I attended at the time.
LDS women need to be taking dating matters into their own hands these days.
Most people think dating is the door toward marriage, it is not, never has.You cannot go dating and expect to get married.There is no Math to it.People who will get married some time, are ending up dating, like a
blind date,but they use dating as an excuse to not show their feelings at
first,that what dating is for, but without the form of "dating"
people would still get married.There is another purpose in dating,
to get to know as many as possible and to help out in times of uncertainty, as
long as we live up to certain standards.BYU is an example how you
can handle this stuff some way to create very bad feelings by isolating people
into groups, who is for return miss., who is for fast marriage etc.Dating
is to have fun and enjoy our social life, not to calculate a trip to Mars.Love is another dimension, dating is just plain upps, nice to get to know you.