I could not agree more! My husband and I taught our kids that we, as husband and
wife, came first and that, while they were very important,they came second. We
taught them that mom and dad were the center of our family circle and they
surrounded us where we loved them very much, but they were not in the center. We
told them if our marriage was in trouble, our family would be in trouble so it
was important that mom and dad get out together alone to nuture our relatonship.
Realistically, there were many, many times we had to put aside "us" for
"them" as life dictates, but our focus would remain in staying in love
with each other, while taking care of the kids. Four biological and six adopted
kids later, this is still our goal. So far, we have ten happy healthy kids. And
our married kids have kept that same focus for their marriages. Goof for them!
To the widowed parents who might stumble across this article, don't let
this article get you down. There are numerous studies that show the
relationship between the parents and the children is what matters--not the
marital status of the parents. I read the research on this subject while I was
at the University of Utah. However, if all that research is eventually proven
wrong, and this article is correct, then we should make sure we immediately
change the laws so same-gender parents can marry easily in any state.
I agree with this article. As much as it galls kishkumen, a happy marriage is a
positive example that benefits children. Further, You could write
whole articles on the ways the husband and wife neglect one another once kids
come along. I tend to think wives see baby's immediate needs as a constant
diversion from the more subtle needs of a husband, but both need constant
nurturing. This complicated relationship is not a natural thing. You could raise
your kids to do well in school, and still give them no clue about how to manage
personal relationships. So, I do think that children who have the
benefit of consistent two parent homes that successfully nurture each other gain
very valuable (if intangible in many respects) skills when it comes to
navigating their own social lives. We learn so much by what is
modeled for us. Single parents may be able to supplement that modeling through
acquaintances who successfully manage, but they would need to value it first,
instead of getting offended (as kishkumen thinks they should) by the suggestion
that single-parenting may not be the best vehicle for all lessons in life.
I thought the Eyres dealt with the single parent issue and paid homage to
"stalwart single parents." But the article is not about that. It is
about married couples putting their relationship with each other at the top of
their priorities....and about the good that will do for their children.
Hi Raybies, what made you think I was offended? I've just read enough on
the topic that I know that the this article is contradicted by a lot of other
research. And that is important to point out because a single parent (for
whatever reason) should not allow themselves to despair. They need to know that
if they invest time in parenting and loving their children there is absolutely
no negative impact or disadvantage for the child(ren).
Kiskuman -If an individual *is married* and neglects the person they
actually chose to spend their life with - it sends a message that commitment and
attention to people who should be loved and cherished are optional. That does
not encourage trust or stability in children. I have seen this first hand.
It's one thing to cite a study and draw a straight line from point A to
point B and say "See!". It is another to have actually lived it. The article was written to encourage married couples, not to slam single
parents, (which most would understand).